What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:04
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I was seconnd youngest,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She found it foreign!.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I said to her
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im still living with it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Comes on , in middle age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What did i know ?
One cannot live in the past .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Would this be the day?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i lived it daily.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My family never makes their pension either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I will be 64.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She loved him until the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was scared of men, in general
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I have no regrets .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
All the time i was locked up.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
(And it was in our own minds.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We all went to grammer schools
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was 9 years of age.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I waited trembling.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My life is so biszare .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She wouldn,t have been !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.